Friday, 9 January 2015

friday fun / ouch / heart's pumping full of inspiration / new

 (this is my shoulder)
head's hurting
from staying up all night to complete my essay
to that point where i was able to say
this expresses, in short, my views of the haute couture industry
in a nutshell, really
my appreciation would demand of a higher word count, blank paper, massive space
just majorly relieved to at least have some things finished
red eyes remind me of significant difficulties in time management
something's getting easier in life and i feel more
but at the same time that i'm taking care of myself 
(because, shout-out, that is really important, folks!)
sand grains are slipping through the giant hour glass
invisible but ever existent
over my head
infinitely grateful for my mum giving me some pastel chalk from the former czechoslovakia
it feels profound to work with materials that have seen a completely different world order
they enable me to work like the others, though my work still looks like none of theirs
i can't decide whether i am pleased with this or not
but at least my figure has finally achieved some plasticity, rather than just relying on outlines
and i find great interest in perceiving all these nuanced things
they truly give me a reason to see my every day in a detailed light

also, how wonderful are three-dimensional objects, reflections of things, warmth and cold - saturations, light
to be honest, i could be spending hours on end in vast halls
life drawing sessions but with coffee and tea
clad in traditional artists' aprons
hands covered in chalk dust
paint on my face
studying the human anatomy - things that are actually important in life

sometimes i feel a bit vain, taking so many pictures of myself
but given that i need to find some sort of stability, it is not out of vain reasons
in a way, selfies are for me like sketches when i am busy
reflections on the outside of what's going on inside of my head 
being a mythical creature, genderless, all these fleeting feelings 
that are lurking in my sub-conscious

thinking about having a body
or as my favourite 'faerie warrior poet musician' Grimes put it 
Being a body -----
i think especially when accepting one's human shape
a documentation of that can be helpful
sometimes it surprises me that i am shaped like other people
(a strange thought, i know)
but being reminded of oneself not actually being completely different
than anyone else, can be truly healthy
---
my shirt (project in garment construction) is starting to appear and i appreciate the way it fits
i wish i had the time and nerves to assemble a proper dandy outfit 
and be like one of these eccentric men 
but having a custom-fitted-made-by-me block of the shirt now
this feels like a beginning to that

i still haven't found out where my desire for making videos came from
maybe it is the feeling of actually having a say in this whole art spectrum that i need
been shaping an idea in my head
as to film developments and creation processes as well as sewing and all these things
i am just tired of the internet informing my art rather than facilitating its distribution
my only wish is to work in the real world with real people who actually appreciate what i do
with whom i can communicate and we could support each other 
i don't feel like i want to float somewhere in space like so many people
life seems so much less valuable without a direction
i don't need a constant party and meaningless talks about superficial things
sick to the core of mainstream music
being not here to pretend but make a change in society

there is an entrepreneur society to be formed at uni
and i keep my hopes high for it 
never felt like i would go on and strike a conventional path 
and i think i knew that since i was 11 or so
since then i've been pondering what might be wrong with me 
and why everyone else so effortlessly achieves things
with me working day and night without recognition

seriously, the amount of poetry that i have dedicated to this thought process is sheer endless
and i don't even want to face the reality, that all this wasted energy could have been used to create innovative things
it's so unfair really

so i pray for something to happen, anything significant at all - i will destroy myself and my work if it does not - that i know already

(i am aware of it being very counterproductive to be talking this openly on the internet about everything - but really, i am beyond caring at this point)

today i've watched 'pride and prejudice' - the historical mini-series from 1995 for the first time and it truly reignited my love for costumes. the classic hats that i've previously done research on enriched by dresses with empire waist and the most dreamy tailoring and menswear ever - just purely in love. also i feel really outraged about the lack of sophistication in today's society, i mean, i love youth culture and all these fancy abbreviations but how amazing would it be to just use old english diction? i'd be the happiest person if some of these values or mindsets would be appreciated these days, when men and women and everyone else actually treated love in a significant way ….
also, we have been given our book(s) for the costume design project we are meant to work on in the second semester and i am just over the moon. it all sounds so intriguing and i can not wait to get into the analysis of the characters and start sketching en gros, and just do heeeaaaaps of research work and to completely immerse myself in it. like, ugh, i'm just super excited for this promising new project.

just discovered this video of the making of process for costume design in the movie/musical 'into the woods' - and as much as i meanwhile convinced myself that i will work in fashion - this video just shows me exactly what i want to do. but sadly, my interests and activities are so widely-spread that it is immensely hard to pursue all of them. i can't be a professional musician right now because i have to focus on pattern cutting and completing my assignments for university. i can't always make professional films because i am recording something that does actually have to have an outcome. and it is also hard to get my illustrations for society6 going because i am so busy. sadly, it feels like even organisation skills would not make much of a difference - momentarily, it feels like i just have to live through doing all this work and as a reward i can do some work that personally means a lot to me.

but generally, i would be so incredibly happy to one day work on the costumes for a movie.
i am not the biggest fan of the exaggerated tropes that musicals display in order to reach a big audience and make things work on stage. movies are my air and some of them feel like memories of my own life because i connected to them on such a personal basis. thus, they are second to none - actors are portraying some sort of feeling that i just relate to so much, and if i were talented i'd love to try it myself, but movies are just like haute couture - good movies can turn the world around.

<<<disclaimer: sorry to my readers that are used to a more exalted way of writing - at the moment i just feel incredibly drained and by spending all my poetic and literary capacity + nerves on my essay and life, today has just been a ramble without my usual style. hope you can bear with me)

xoxo, alissa cha (january 9th, 2015)

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